we get in on most every night
and when that moon is big and bright
its a supernatural delight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

dancing in the moonlight
everybodys feeling warm and bright
its such a fine and natural sight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

i am a loser who will love this one hit wondeeer for eternity. its one of those songs you hear randomly in a shopping centre or waiting room somewhere - and it makes me smile.. no matter what the condition this song makes me peppy haha

no complaints atm.. life is serving up a pretty sweet deal.  im surprising myself how well im dealing with certain things. usually it would mean excessive moodiness, dragged out arguements or what seems like a lot more effort at least on my behalf.. but none of that.. things have been running along smoothly.. shit comes but - deal with it.. nothing seems as bad when you're on the other side of the world that's for sure.

its funny how distance does this to you.. i was thinking about this the other day whilst riding around town on the famous red double-decker buses with my sister waiting for a bomb to go off behind me. -__- like a few years back when those bombs went off on the tube and the buses here in london.. i can honestly say that even though they are the two transport methods that my sister and cousins use every day to get around - i really didnt take it on as being any sort of worry or big deal even... its like 'oh another bombing.. more people dead'. it sounds terrible but thats kind of how iv become to the news.. its like you just go numb to all the tragedy in the world because its not in your face so who cares? (I hate my own ignorance sometimes.)  Its funny how though, even years later, now that im finally here and catching that transport - observing the business people rushing about in the tubes...that it finally sinks in.. its not just a million miles away that shit happens.. those bombs could have been planted in a cityrail train (no loss to lose one of those trains... -___-) or hillsbus.  sure we have things happen that are far from pleasant, but in general we are exceptionally lucky and sheltered in sydney..something that im sure the londoners felt they were too before they got slapped with the cruel reality that is the world we live in. 

i had an israeli girl tell me in valencia that "you just become used to death" when telling me about serving in the army in isreal and the bombings and whatnot. she had friends die around her, she had to kill people in order to save her own life.. and yet she made me feel like the insane one.  if i had had all of that happen to me i think i would be loopy; but she was just off enjoying the world and life in general.. she had become oblivious to the drama of loss and devastation, and just accepted it...so when i was just sitting there with my mouth open looking at her in partial disbelief of what she was telling me, she just returns me a look of confusion.. as if iv been living under a rock my whole life and just discovered the sun.  its funny how easy it is to forget that normal is entirely relative.

theres some nice depressing thoughts.. back to my happy music and "comfortable disposition" with "little to vex (me)" hahahaha oh jane austen.. oh hsc english..

Some drink to remember
Some to forget
Some for satisfaction
Some to regret
I hope a brighter day to you I've shown

Oh- cause when it's good, it's so, so good
And when it's gone, it's gone
When it's gone, it's gone
When it's gone, it's gone
When it's gone, Oh- it's gone

i think im pretty charming when i need to be. i think i can pull a smile out of the hat on a rainy day.  I wish i had blue eyes. blue eyes and dimples would just top off the charming.

conceited much..? indeed. but u no those days where ur flying high and the words just seem to work. friday the 13th has been one of those days.

fb is the worst thing anyone could ever give someone like me. i get my kicks out of bs-ing to people and sending them into a completely false sense of security. i am exceptionally two-faced, and this is not only something that i have accepted, but also something that i thrive on.

in fact sometimes i think im so good that i actually fool myself. to the point where i could almost believe the words that come out of my mouth if i wanted to, but then change the scenery and more importantly the company, and im a transformer in my own dimension picking and choosing my new opinions and thoughts.

its funny because the people closest to me still trust me despite knowing this so well? but especially with my male friends, i find it easier to just tell them i am a two-faced bitch who is likely to be exceptionally blunt with them sometimes when theyr being dicks.. and then feed their ego a bit.. and then cut them down.. and then build them up.. and then cut them back down... :P and so on and so forth... haha.  treat'em mean keep 'em keen! haha it really is the way to go with all guys. gta have them whipped :)

the thing that drives me up the wall.. is when i cant make someone like me. especially when its someone i need to like me - like someones parent or a friends friend. (otherwise if i dont need them to like me and they're too much of a moron to see that im awesome..well fuck ya! lol)  this is possibly where blue eyes might just be the cure. perhaps i should purchase some blue contacts and try them out sometime.

life really is a bigass game. and im having quite a lot of fun with it atm. perhaps i am overly insincere sometimes, but usually, the people are stupidly unsuspecting, and when it counts im the worlds best friend nyahahah

SUPER COCK! :D  love it. love me.

i hate it when entire blogs are deleted because of STUPIDFUCKINGINTERNATIONALCOMPUTERSBEINGDIFFERENTWHATTHEFUCK.

yes cool calm and collected of course.

I had a blog dedicated to my thoughts spawning from the apprentice watching session last night that i endured with a room full of richass london businesspeople.. it really was the corporate sector bitching about the business sector - giving their superior judgements full of bias and preestablished ideas that when questioned, became gospel and worth dying over.  I like the fact that the business and economic world is very much black and white. (or so it can be broken down to being).. i find it interesting how much it is linked to politics.. in fact the politicians are just the voices of the commerical world, speaking the words that the statistics support. I dont believe you can truly understand politics without having some sort of understanding of economic policies or the global market - the fact is that they go hand in hand nowadays.. and as much as we might seek a leader to give us hope and guidance - I hope we also manage to find one who is smart beyond the words they speak.

am about to embark on a massive journey across stones and grass - all the way to the bakery on the corner=P haha I find it funny how everyone I've been speaking to in the last few weeks, all that I've been hearing is "blar blar study stress blar blar".. and then they finish the exams or assi's or whatnot and they have that crazy rush of adrenalin that comes with conquering the shit thrown your way from work or school or uni etc. But for me, I find it nearly impossible to relate anymore to how they're feeling when its 3am and they have 200 words to go, and they've been surviving off 3 hours sleep and caffeine just for credits sake.  Highschool seems like a lifetime ago to me already and I really feel like I've just switched off that side of my life..its going to be very interesting next year when i actually need to to click back into gear.

for today.. i actually feel like i have things to do (and have been doing things).. despite only waking up a few hours ago, making breakfast, putting on a load of washing and taking a shower.. ooh iv also returned a few fb comments and messages.  So I still have to walk to the post office, go to the bakery, reply to the rest of my fb messages, email a couple of people and take my clothes out of the washing machine and put them in the dryer... mmmmm. haha it wasnt until I actually processed this all for a minute that I realised how rediculous my life here in lala land has become. My only responsibility is to not die. My thoughts sorta just fluctuate between what i feel like doing after my next meal and what Im gna eat.. its a hard life.. lol

in all my liver-gauging wisdom - my hours of reading quote, facts, stats; words that are intended to inspire and question beyond my normal thought dimensions - there are only 2 exceptionally overused cliches that spring to mind with this blog.

"home is where the heart is"

"absence makes the heart grow fonder"

makes me feel exceptionally gay just typing them, its lucky this is not required as a verbal presentation or i think i would amply stutter my way through those 12 words.

I arrive in london, with lists of instructions, emails with details, a phone with a working sim, money in my pocket and 2months of awesome stories and experiences in mind. The thing that i cant get my head around is, what did i do to deserve this?  At 1am Daniel trecks 4km to meet me in the cold of a London night at the busstop, to carry my bags and make sure i can navigate my way to 'safety'.. but essentially, my sister has ensured my safety for the last 2months. there hasnt been a moment when i have been worried about being completely wrecked. 

She paid for my tickets, advised me on all of my travel paperwork, bought me a phone sim, helped me with bank accounts, set up national insurance number interviews (and changed these when i decided to stuff around with my plans midtrip), changed flights, booked flights when i missed them, topped up credit, bought me a euro bus ticket, rang me at least once a week to check all was well and now she has taken me in, is feeding me, directing me - literally she is making this rediculously easy and good for me.. wth did i do to get so lucky?

this is where absence really must have messed with her mind. has she forgotten that im the satan spawn little sister that she hated on through her adolescence? has it slipped her mind that im the 'spoilt little brat' that mum and dad gave everything to that she had to work for? Ive always respected her as my 'powerhouse' older sister.. the first person i ever saw verbally stand up to my dad - the one with the real brains and drive to go places.  Mostly though because she always hadthe guts to stick it to me when i was being a little shit. She could and would cut me down, she didnt let the sentimental get in the way of anything that needed to be done. without her pushing me, making me do my homework, being on my back - i wouldnt have achieved half of what i have. I wouldnt have even tried out for baulko let alone gotten in.. I realise now that I've always overlooked her help and guidance for my brothers doting and ellaborate gifts or crazy adventures, but she silently sat there and tutored me through the sleective highschool test when my parents just left me to watch tv - she helped me with the boring ass assignments that i left till last minute and then couldnt finish.. and now shes keeping an eye out for me on my travels.. shes being the older sister that I never saw in her..but perhaps that was for a lack of looking.

perhaps absence doesnt necessarily always make the heart grow fonder.. it just makes u forget.. and isolates the more important memories, pushing them to the forefront of ur perception of someone. what I have found that is does though, is it makes you notice things that you perhaps wouldn't have before. it doesn't necessarily mean you will appreciate them more.. perhaps ul get an overview of the shit uv been putting up with.. but at the end of the day you at least feel a different sense of clarity.. it is this which leeds me to my next disgustingly tacky cliche.. that 'home is where the heart is..'

I look around the room im in atm.. its pretty clear to see where my sisters heart is.. there are a collection of kath and kim dvds, family photos dug out of ancient photo albums that i havent seen in years, 'go aussie or go home' slogans from past world cups and all the little things that shes gathered over time from past trips home.

the aussie pride deffinetly kicks in.. but no matter where u are, who you are comes with you and you can settle back into your rutt with one-liners and a beer in each hand. ktown will always be the dominant physical scene that i associate with home, but I find as much of homely comfort in peoples presence as much as the surrounding. right now - this is as close to "home" as il be getting for a while, but its a pretty damn good replacement...perhaps its just lucky that i store a bit of my heart on the internet lol.

Little miss sunshine. the BEST movie ever. my god that movie makes me laugh till i cry, it reminds me so much of family its insane. just sometimes, i really miss them. mainly the siblings, when it actually felt like FAMILY, not just me mum and dad stuck in a house together day in day out.  I dont really remember ever living together as a whole fmaily, there was always someone gone, even when all the siblings were home, dad was away for work half the time. but then theres christmas´s.. last christmas we spent the day playing beach cricket, getting burnt, eating excessive amount of food, trying to drown each other in the river, fishing and just chilling out. thats how most of our xmas´s that i really remember have gone, but the crazy jokes we make inbetween just make it the best day of the year every time. we always end up in stitches on running jokes. we´re all the same in some way. im hanging out for xmas already. family, friends and a whole lota stories to tell.

went to the guggenheim today. it was intense. seeing Jeff Koons´ " Puppy".. seeing dali and man ray, duchamp, Miro, max ernst.. just seeing there works was insane. but the thing that got me was HOW AWESOME FRANK GEHRY IS. omg. its the most amazing piece of architecture iv ever seen - an amazing work of art. I wish id done this trip before yr 12, because i might have actually turned up for theory art classes, and maybe even payd some attention.

The starfish; Salvador Dali. simple looking brooch. almost walked straight past it. but its not simple, its crazy. it moves and latches on for itself. it hold the form of a starfish encrusted with jewels but its completely maluable and awesome and yet so plain at the same time.

Snake eyes - Matthew Ritchie.  Id never even heard of this guy until today.. until i walked into a massive room and couldnt tell whether i was stones, whether it was all 3D or the walls were really coming out at me. and all he used was black paint on a white wall... absolutely insane.

the guggenheim is how an art museum should be. the building is art, the building makes its surroundings look like art. it displays and represents its setting and it presents its works in a fluent and intriguing presentation - not just works lined up on a wall.  Every wall in that building is curved. curved. some of the things done with simple lines, placement and even colour to some extent were beyond anything i think il ever see again.

I think its time to wake up and realise that i have to live this life the way i want it to work out.. not the way i think it will work out. i miss the kid.

"I try to create fantastic things, magical things, things like in a dream.  The world needs more fantasy.." - Salvador Dali.

ammmmeeeeeennnn

so the quick trip of awesomeness is over. atm i have no clarity. i need to see my sister. i need to find stability in the people that i know wont ever go anywhere. its only mornings like these where im homesick, because when u have that feeling that jumping off a cliff would be better than trying to stop being so rediculous, it seems SO MUCH worse without ur family, ur stability there to catch u.

EDIT.

haha ok its pretty bad when it all makes sense to u at 1am.. but it just does. clarity hit me in the face. well not so much clarity.. but an understanding of whats going on in my head.

i know i promised myself mainly that this wouldnt ever turn into an email page again. but this is the first and last time. and at least this way i will have this to remind me when the clarity disappears.. as it always does.. -___-

i would be an absolute IDIOT to try and block u off in any way. iv tried this before, and i almost went insane because its no longer just me, but its also everyone thats close to me that thinks ur awesome, and they have a habit of reminding me of it.. alot.   you know my flaws pretty well.. you know that im not always going to understand you. that i can be a bit of a prick from time to time and that i have double standards and a half. i know u suppress the little things that annoy you, and i know that if i piss u off u will explode. i also know that u take to heart a lot of things i say or do without consideration - and yet sometime i do and say them anyway because my ignorance blinds me.

perhaps il never really understand whats going on in ur head.. perhaps i should stop trying. but i do know what music u like. i know u think my taste in movies is awesome and u just suppress that too.. haha *coff. i know i can always have fun with u and that i can trust you.if it means that i have to close my eyes and stick my fingers in my ears singing LALALALA every time u go out on a weekend or we´rat a party... and that i have to apologise a little more than i would like to sometimes.. and that sometimes i have to accept that i am an ass - then perhaps i should. perhaps i should at least try to because i dont think i could break the news to my mama that the only black kid she will ever have has abandoned her because she was too old and anoying.. hahaha that would be my excuse of course.

i do not know how the being friends with ria is going to work. i do not know how any of my friendships are working atm because over the net is so different to face to face. but its been like that for long enough with kat to know she wont go anywhere. and jay and duffy.. and chan is a good girlfriend to have on the side haha. i guess the thing i have to remember is how easily friends can come and go, u just have to let them go and bring them in. its hard staying open minded about all of these little petty things when ur getting to a point of kind of being a bit homesick.. missig people and yet ur only getting the internet facade.

oporto is amazing. and surprisingly it only took an hour or so for me to get a cool head again today when i nearly blew my stack at lunch. oh the beauty of attempted meditation and a really really good view.

im gna take some time out on a more psitive note. time out that isnt a block out but just some time. hopefully it will be like waking up from a bad dream and finding that u peeed ur pants, but ur still alive... haha