Are there no shadows where you are
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside
(You're pushing me aside)

Could the winter calm come twice
'Cause your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside
(It's killing you inside)
You're killing me inside

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
If something isn't right
If something isn't right

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

you know when you're looking forward to something, and you kinda have this idea in your head of how its gna go - you hold onto that thought until the moment arrives and just beforehand you're all tingly inside from excitement... well iv lost that.

I was sure that i would have that slight longing to be back home with friends and family for the entirety of my trip - that the memories of them would be what kept me going and even though id be enjoying myself here, wanting to go back would be what made me somewhat stronger?  But thats all changed.. I long to be in Greece or Spain.. I hate it when im rostered off work because i miss out on the activities the kids are doing, i miss having extra time with them.

I'm sad that I dont feel the same anymore..it kinda just hit me and even when I tried to think about it, its at the point where i dont even have clear memories to cling to, and everythings changing anyway. The way we party, have fun, talk, chillout... everything is changing and now that image in my head of me going home is like... ohshit... hi... yeh nice..

im a mixed bundle atm.. i dont feel 18 i feel like im hitting a midlife crisis haha. i wna be a manager by next yr.. thats gna be interesting.. a 19yr old manager.. but if its on qualifications and success - i should get it.  i feel like im running out of time. constantly im trying to take in everything. perhaps i really do need my friends right now for some grounding, its just hard to let them in when its near impossible to explain.

And if I could
Surely would today
And if I knew
All the words to say
And I could
Wisp you away
To my world

But you might say, it's just the luck of the draw
You might say, that you've done this before
You might feel, that you're ten ft tall some days

And all I ever wanted to be
Will remain right here with you, and me,
And the times we've had, and the times we're yet to see
You and me and the things we've done
And i'm sure it's meant to be

Do you.....Do you.....Do you......Do you agree?

You fought it well
And you fought it all away
What you learn in school,
You learn, you can lose in a day
Many stand for you
They will stand today

But you might say, it's just the luck of the draw
You might say, that you've done this before
You might feel, that you're ten ft tall some days

And all I ever wanted to be
Will remain right here, with you, and me,
And the times we've had, and the times we're yet to see
You and me and the things we've done
And i'm sure it's meant to be

Do you.....Do you.....Do you.....Do you agree?

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together

[Chorus:]
MMM it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll Sit beneath the mango tree now

It's always better when we're together
Mmmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

MMmmmm MMMmmmm Mmmmmm
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.

age.. completely irrelevant.   I cant even think of more profound way of saying that..its just something that has been so strongly proven to me in the last couple of weeks.  I cant guess ages anymore - i've met so many people that act and in contrast refuse to act their ages.  I've made connections with people twice my age and half my age..and for a while i found this rediculously strange. but i think that its something that was sort of carried on from school - we were always graded and segregated due to our ages, not our personalities or maturity or whatever else.. but when all thats gone it no longer matters and you start to associate with people purely on social connections not their details.

I was certain i was going to fall apart today.. point is i didnt. but it hurt - like rediculously painful.. im just sad. I'm like a kid who's lost their teddy (I love how kat has permanently scarred my life analogies). I will really miss the kid though. its pretty overwhelming really..having that many people cry because they will miss you, because they are greatful for what you've done for them. it really is the most awarding job in that regards.  they werent just students they are some of my closest friends.

today just broke my heart there is no other way to say it. I cant even explain it without sounding absurd. just something i cant put into words..

Its not a lack of caring. its not ignorance. im just tired. my tolerance when im tired doesnt allow for a whole bunch to be allocated to the other side of the world, especially when there is absolutely nothing i can do anyway. If i could stay in this life right here and now for the next year I would. I cant make it sit right with me..it just doesnt..and once again im too tired to try n do anything about it..well actually as i said there isnt anything i can do, except be bitter or dwell. who the fuck cares. I shouldnt care I have everything i need and want right here.  I really need sleep.. n perhaps there are some things i just dont wanna know, or accept.

This is a song for the ladies
But fellas listen closely
You don't always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that's not right to do
Sometimes you've got to make some love
And fuckin give her some smoochies too
Sometimes ya got to squeeze
Sometimes you've got to say please
Sometime you've got to say hey
I'm gonna Fuck you softly
I'm gonna screw you gently
I'm gonna hump you sweetly
I'm gonna ball you discreetly
And then you say hey I bought you flowers
And then you say wait a minute sally
I think I got somethin in my teeth
Could you get it out for me
That's fuckin teamwork
Whats your favorite posish?
That's cool with me
Its not my favorite
But I'll do it for you
Whats your favorite dish?
Im not gonna cook it
But ill order it from Zanzibar
And then I'm gonna love you completely
And then I'll fuckin fuck you discreetly
And then I'll fucking bone you completely
But then I'm gonna fuck you hard
Hard

hahahaha oh my gawsh.. this song makes me laugh. this song is the boys serenade when we all get drunk. they sing others but this is their favourite. i love my lads. i love the drunk nightso n campus having jam sessions that progressively get louder and more politically incorrect. I love that when I wake up the the greek girls put eye makeup on me so i dont look hungover to my boss. this job has all of the great pleasures in my life in one.. meeting new people - parties - pubs - chilling out with a guitar - kids and sport. what the hell else could i want. i love it.

OLE OLE OLE! best nights celebrations. so happy spain won... mmmskiiiiz happy blogs

in the first dnm i had with jonny when i arrived at the school he said to me

"the best bit of advice I can give you is that, no matter what, do not let youself get attached to the kids... because honestly when they leave it will leave you shattered.."

in a way I already knew this.. i mean when i have my favourites at the pool i miss them when i dont get to teach them.. I thought it was just gna be like that.  but its worse.. its so much freaking worse.

I am with these kids 7 days a week, 18hours a day. and its not like im attached to all of them, but there are some (a select few) that I honestly couldnt separate from some of my closest friends. they are some of the funniest and nicest people iv ever met and even though theres the slight laguage barrier you dont notice it...they understand what im saying and i understand them.  A couple of the girls are just 13 and 14... you wouldnt know it to look at them.. but moreso you certainly wouldnt know it to talk to them.

I havent had this much fun ever i dont think... in spain and portugal there were times yes - but it usually took alcohol and a night out to get that buzz.  this job gives me that buzz from the moment i wake up till i go to sleep again. theres rarely a dull moment, from discos to soccer matches to makeup and facepainting, to dancing and singing really badly and ordering pizzas at 2am. its always fun.  99% of that buzz comes from the kids. If you make their life fun - they make yours a dream. And the ones im really close to have literally become the spring in my step. i dont want them to leave.. I have made the mistake of becoming rediculously attached to the kids. I dont regret it. They have taught me so many things. I just dont want them to leave. Perhaps il just break the rules..

i have tears in my eyes just writing this. what a joke. this really is the best gig in the world.

i am a bit of a miracle really.  I am getting NO SLEEP. i am working my ass off. I am being constantly made to kiss ass to kids and teachers I dont like. I am finding time for a quick drink with friends after work, and fitting in smoko breaks with the older spanish kids. Im doing risk assessments, running discos, planning kareoke evening, entertaining kids by making a fool of myself, eating fish to try and stay healthy, running around giving first aid talks and still finding a way to have a freaking awesome time.

The greek girls will be the death of me. The spanish boys arent far off it either. When im on night duty they know they can all sleep in the one room -___-;; when im getting dinner they know il let them in the teachers queue. They've got us all getting them cigarettes and turning a blind eye to drinking and when theyr skipping activities. hahaha manohman they're hard to keep up with though. its all good that we let them do this...we cant really get in trouble for it as long as we know what they're doing in case our bosses start to inquire.. but they're constantly in my office or round the staff dorms. These kids are death. i am too tired.

new friends.. a new family. a new environment and a new love. hahaha its all rosepettles and candy. I also have a big stack of books which iv been finding time to get a bit through including Victoria Beckhams autobiography hahaha. NICE. quite a nice easy read i must say.

Its crazy to think im not even half way through my trip yet. its starting to feel like forever. im not crazy homesick or anything, its just that irky feeling of distance where things progressively blur and all your left with are the really dominant memories, not so much the little things that you had before. Back to work. Back to friends...

its the people that you think you're closest to that have the ability to hurt you the most. thats a given. you care about anything in this life, you leave yourself vulnerable to hurt when it leaves, lets you down or dies.

i put emphasis on 'think' though because essentially.. there are some things that people can do to let you down that would indicate that there is no way they reciprocate the respect and care that you have for them. 

I love my friends. I'm far from a saint and I give them hell and even send them on a bit of an emotional let down from time to time.. but there are some lines you dont cross. you can be a badass.. but i guess.. your friends are the ones you protect.. you dont stab them in the back, no matter how bad things get - they are the ones that hold you up, so you shouldnt ever let them down.

i am absolutely gutted right now. how that could be done i will never understand..we all put our trust in you.

we get in on most every night
and when that moon is big and bright
its a supernatural delight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

dancing in the moonlight
everybodys feeling warm and bright
its such a fine and natural sight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

i am a loser who will love this one hit wondeeer for eternity. its one of those songs you hear randomly in a shopping centre or waiting room somewhere - and it makes me smile.. no matter what the condition this song makes me peppy haha

no complaints atm.. life is serving up a pretty sweet deal.  im surprising myself how well im dealing with certain things. usually it would mean excessive moodiness, dragged out arguements or what seems like a lot more effort at least on my behalf.. but none of that.. things have been running along smoothly.. shit comes but - deal with it.. nothing seems as bad when you're on the other side of the world that's for sure.

its funny how distance does this to you.. i was thinking about this the other day whilst riding around town on the famous red double-decker buses with my sister waiting for a bomb to go off behind me. -__- like a few years back when those bombs went off on the tube and the buses here in london.. i can honestly say that even though they are the two transport methods that my sister and cousins use every day to get around - i really didnt take it on as being any sort of worry or big deal even... its like 'oh another bombing.. more people dead'. it sounds terrible but thats kind of how iv become to the news.. its like you just go numb to all the tragedy in the world because its not in your face so who cares? (I hate my own ignorance sometimes.)  Its funny how though, even years later, now that im finally here and catching that transport - observing the business people rushing about in the tubes...that it finally sinks in.. its not just a million miles away that shit happens.. those bombs could have been planted in a cityrail train (no loss to lose one of those trains... -___-) or hillsbus.  sure we have things happen that are far from pleasant, but in general we are exceptionally lucky and sheltered in sydney..something that im sure the londoners felt they were too before they got slapped with the cruel reality that is the world we live in. 

i had an israeli girl tell me in valencia that "you just become used to death" when telling me about serving in the army in isreal and the bombings and whatnot. she had friends die around her, she had to kill people in order to save her own life.. and yet she made me feel like the insane one.  if i had had all of that happen to me i think i would be loopy; but she was just off enjoying the world and life in general.. she had become oblivious to the drama of loss and devastation, and just accepted it...so when i was just sitting there with my mouth open looking at her in partial disbelief of what she was telling me, she just returns me a look of confusion.. as if iv been living under a rock my whole life and just discovered the sun.  its funny how easy it is to forget that normal is entirely relative.

theres some nice depressing thoughts.. back to my happy music and "comfortable disposition" with "little to vex (me)" hahahaha oh jane austen.. oh hsc english..

Some drink to remember
Some to forget
Some for satisfaction
Some to regret
I hope a brighter day to you I've shown

Oh- cause when it's good, it's so, so good
And when it's gone, it's gone
When it's gone, it's gone
When it's gone, it's gone
When it's gone, Oh- it's gone