These days, I cant be fucked caring anymore.  Its a nice feeling, accepting that if people cant handle me then I cannot help that, and nor should I be trying beyond what comes naturally to me.  It's a nice feeling to be able to talk to people with complete transparency and just tell it how it is to me.  I used to play the game and earnt myself the lead role as the 'puppet-master', but nowadays i feel im seeing the game in a whole new light. 

Some days I'm waking up at the moment, and honestly I wish I was dead.  I feel like im battling for no reason whatsoever, and I wish I could take on some of the real pain that people suffer through each day to justify the way im feeling.  I have come to accept that i have a mind that suffers time-to-time from a bipolar/depressive illness which is quite frequent on my mothers side of the family gene pool..so I know that what I feel is largely irrational, and thus I feel almost trapped within this cycle of feeling shit, knowing i should be able to get out of it and not being able to.  I also know that this part of my personality will take its toll on anyone who tries to be close to me and isnt a bit wacked in the head themselves.  I just wish I'd been able to accept this sooner before I hurt people with my reactions to the frustration in my head.

I would be lying if I didnt admit that Amy leaving left me a little bit of a mess.  It's not so much for the reasons that most people would expect, and I think this is why I dont bring it up, because I dont want to put people in that awkward situation where they start sitting on crossed fingers and hoping I dont go there... it's quite simple though, she was in every way my best friend.  When you've watched every tv show, eaten every meal, gone on every holiday and seen every movie in the last year with someone, when they up and leave it's always going to be an empty feeling.  It's also hard for me because in the two years that I've known her we've made a lot of friends that are still mutual, and shared a lot of memories that go beyond our friendship, but still link us...and when she's not there to talk to, it feels like a bit of those times gets lost.  I've also made the decision that it wasn't what I wanted in life, which means that all ties must be cut.  So essentially, I've blocked (literally, on everything) my best friend cold out of my life, and its about the most gutwrenching thing I've ever had to do.  One day we're at ayers rock knocking back beers with a top group of travellers havin a great time, and a couple of days later you wouldnt know I'd been in contact with her at all.

I dont want to say I regret some of the choices I've made in the past few years.. but there are things I cant stop running through my head.  There are still the thoughts of Mr Wheeler, or the opportunities that could have been if I'd done med in NZ.  I don't want to regret the decisions I've made, but it's hard not to question your choices when you're in such a miserable state at current...you start to think, 'how the fuck could I let myself get to this point???'  I'm drinking too much, smoking a bit, hermitting A LOT and basically beating myself up from the inside out hoping this anger and hurt will fade sometime soon so I can get on with my life and right some of the wrongs in missed opportunities.

If there is one song that I can relate to at the moment, it is 'Better Days' by Pete Murray.  I must have listened to this song a million times in the past, but I guess nowadays its struck a real chord with me..possibly just because the lyrics sum up everything that's going on with me at the moment.. gotta love that about music eh - someones always put it into words already for ya.  I do need to escape this place though...and if relief doesnt come with time, then perhaps it will be a case of deferring uni and setting myself in flight again.  Either way I'm determined to share a few memories with a few mates overseas next year, because if there was one thing that I wish'd I'd had when I travelled, it was people to share it with..

I am a little shattered, but nothing beyond my repair, and I'm trying not to show it too much.  Hopefully I can bring myself to talk about things soon enough, but right now there's a lot im hoping to forget.

the bucket list.

you do not need to be living on numbered days to have one of these bad-boys and use it well....and my response to anyone who poo-poo's it is to number their days for them and get them on board.  We're all slowly using up our time anyway right?  What's the harm in overthinking those things we might never get round too..i say embrace the daydreaming and write it down for the whole blogworld to see, and you never know you might just inspire someone else to get off their ass and have the best experience of their life.

there are two things in my life that I can deffinetly say that I have done, and always dreamt of doing.

1) Going to europe as a young backpacker and just experiencing

2) Getting a tattoo, as cliche and trashy as it might be.

These are two things that remind me how important it is to think about these things, and get them done whilst it's within your grasp.  As I failed to complete any concrete new years resolutions this year (and have consequently wasted half a year pissing around.... -_-) i shall implement the bucket as my new list in life.  The things in my life at present that I dream of ticking the box for include;

1) Getting my own business

2) Having a dog, bbq and a backyard (aussie dream...)

3) Getting a snake

4) Jumping out of a plane

5) Doing something crazy on my 21st..maybe jumping out of a plane or getting a snake??

6) travelling around asia and america

7) writing a book (possibly just a textbook....im not really the creative literature type)

8) having my own reading room, and attaining a LOT of worldly knowledge through my reading

so theres my current 8 things.. I have been reading a lot.. starting on that one finally - I never really did appreciate books enough during my younger years, so I'm trying to make up for it now, reading all those books that are on the past 'must read' list such as Angelas Ashes, the power of one, bill bryson books, booker prize winners and things of the sort..once I get these done I have a copious list of interests I wish to persue in my reading.. I want to know about the inticacies of govt. and economic systems.. I want to understand the major world wars properly, and learn about the modern day dictatorships.  I want to learn a language properly  (probably should be on the bucket list but will leave that for another day) and read the history of different civilisations.  There are so many things I've already missed, and I realise that whilst I know i am smart, I have been so lazy with my brain that I might as well not be..there is no point in going through life just 'winging it' because you can.  I want to be better than that.

some days im just so high on life, i forget why..i forget about the little blue pills that i take with breakfast..i forget about the hairy man that makes me tell my stories..i forget about the nights spent sleepless and nauseas days.  When I was swinging through the jungle defying my longterm fear of heights i felt ALIVE.  I felt like my life was getting better and it was all uphill from here..but today, like so many others I am reminded of the harsh reality of why I feel this way.

I am a person of pride. I dont often admit that I have failed or that I am down in the dumps.. all those times in europe that I was so homesick id just cry into a gross hostel pillow, I never once called home to vent my woes. I am a person of pride and I believe personal secrets and failings should be kept private.  So when I find out that my problems have been broadcast around my supposed 'best friend and partner's work, and around her family in friends in england, it just tears me down to shreds. I feel like a complete failure...they only get told that I'm an angry moody person who has to take pills to not be the worst person in the world.  They don't know me..they dont hear the other side..the side that started when I started to miss my friends and family so much..when I didn't have much money and she smashed my car up which was a gift from my parents..when she didnt pay me a cent for that car and made me feel bad for thinking of taking her money..they don't hear about how whilst I was off booking in an appointment to vent all my 'issues' to a doctor and get diagnosed as mentally ill, she was sat in a pub drinking and talking about me to people that she would later have the hide to bring to my home.... But I have pride so instead of calling up home or friends crying, I put on a front and let it eat away at me instead.  And now, the little blue pills stop me from wanting to wake up each morning and jump off a cliff...and some days, when I remember what I've been reduced to to feel this ok - I still feel inclined to find that cliff..because this isn't me. I am strong.  I am caring. I LOVE my friends and family.  Finding out how I've been portrayed and used....

FML.

I've been wanting to get this off my chest for so long.. but people dont need to hear about my problems, It's tough for everyone, but perhaps I should have been a little more selfish because now I think I've worn myself down in the process.  I don't think that this life is for me, but I dont regret giving it a go..I need other people that know me though..to remind me that I am still the person they knew and that im not this monster.

for me it's the kick when you finish a marathon assignment, the push when you're on your final legs in the gym, the feeling of free-fall when you take that high-lept plunge, the rush of the water when you catch a big wave..

it's the buildup of effort that you exhaust that fires all the pent up fuel in your veins and makes you feel invincible.  I love adrenalin.  I love the kick that it gives you more than any other drug.  I love the way it turns pain into pleasure and satisfaction, and the buzz that it creates every time you remember that feeling.

some people dread the thought of leaving something to the last minute, or dragging their sorry ass out of bed to go to the gym..they dread the fear of falling or being broken by the wave.  People that fear these things miss the best part of life for me, because as much as I can appreciate the comforts of a well-structured and safe lifestyle, that feeling you get when you JUST DO IT is just so much better.

I don't see myself having the long life that I once thought that I would.  It's not that I've started fearing death, quite the opposite in fact...but it's just a strange feeling that I have. I don't think that I'll suffer, but rather, that I'll just know and that it will be as big of an adventure as every other day.  But this feeling, its making me go faster, and increasing the frustration of challenges set for me such as uni.  I know I need to slow down to complete some things, but there is just so much more going on up in my head that even when I'm standing still I feel as though I'm flying with the thoughts in my head. 

the adrenalin drug is a heavily underrated creation of god..its the pleasure I'm sure that he gave to us all to combat against whoreishness.  It's one and the same as loving life. 

the adrenalin of knowing that iv picked myself up again after all this shit of late is the best buzz..this is why its just time to live.

I'm just so angry...

seriously, get out of my life - let me live! i just feel like screaming and running off into the bush like a wild person where nobody can find me or anger me anymore.

I want to feel alive again..I hate all of these contraints, they make me feel bound to my mistakes and that was never my intention.

I hate money.

My head feels like it's going to implode if I don't get change..if I don't get understanding or just something bloody good.

FML.

its empowering to think that I can change the way things end up sometimes - that my efforts will come to fruition, and as a little boy pointed out to me the other day in class (actually little, like 5, and yet ohsowise!) "with hard work comes reward". 

Something that I have only clued onto in the past year is the importance of taking a step back.  I have always been a very defensive person in my head, not wanting to be in the wrong or accept the blame for things..and thus, my shifting of the blame onto someone else has often been a real problem with the relationships I form around me. I know I'm not perfect, and that sometimes I will still say things to piss people off, but I also know that I am trying...I have tried to better myself and think about what I say and do, and just sometimes it shows.  Today could have turned into a shitfight - I said something that was taken the wrong way, someone else got defensive due to excess stress on them over this, and I was a few buttons away from making it so much worse by letting myself get angry about the things that were said..but I'm glad I chose to speak and try and understand, because it was nothing but a misunderstanding that in old times would have worked its way into world war 3.

it was one line that really got me "this is starting to sound like year 10 all over again". 

 I don't want to go back to highschool.  These past two years of running away have been me trying to escape those 'demons' from my past and give myself a better recent history to reflect upon.

I can be a better person that I was to the people at home..and sometimes I think that I'm stupid trying to reform myself up here hiding away, because I might miss my opportunity to ever get to show them that...but then again, I know that whether or not I miss my opportunity doesn't matter, I just need to know that I did it - that's enough proof for me.

Not many people know how much pressure I put on myself to be successful, to be different, to be genuinely good at things.  I think this is just something that has spawned from having older siblings to look up to that always seemed so adventurous and awesome that I didn't want to be seen as the failure in their aftermath.  It's because of this flaw that I perceive myself as being a failure in life a lot quicker than I should. I will often dismiss things that I didn't master or show potential at the first time around because I don't like the feeling of not being able.  I make excuses in my head not to tackle some of the hard things because the fear of the inability to conquer is just too daunting.

Right now, I feel like kicking back with a pint and folding to the life of lazy uni students covered in copious amounts of debt and unwashed clothing, just scraping through with the odd credit and pass average.  At the moment things are feeling 'too hard' to get through, and suddenly I find myself questioning choices that I've made in the past, wondering what could have been if I took the other road.  It's silly, because living life with regrets is no way forward, but I just wish that their was a clearer path to something better that I know I can manage right now.

I was watching some pep talks the other day by laurie lawrence after I saw his little speech on the biggest loser..this guys always been a little bit inspiring to me being a swim and rugby veteran, but some things he says really do kick in.  He constantly goes on about the importance of having a strong support base no matter what you're tackling in life.  I think I've brought this struggle on myself by kicking my support base aside in search of new challenges, and its making it bloody hard.  I've made friends and met lots of people at work etc up here.. but its never going to be the same as sydney.  As it is, I'm a picky person when it comes to making friends - I don't like dumb people, smelly people, uncultured people, dodgy and unethical people - so when you come up to a predominantly bogan, japanese and aboriginal town like cairns, you're options are greatly slimmed as far as making best buddies.  I think about when I was at school, it took me 6 years and options of about 200/300 people for me to find a handfull of people I could actually be fucked with.........so this support base idea isn't looking so simple after all!!

However, taking on board the need for me to get out there, find people and places that make me happy, and to build myself a life up here outside of all the shitty things..I am looking to change jobs, do a bit more volunteering, go out more on the weekends and just generally throw myself into everything, because at the end of the day things are already going a bit rubbish so there's nothing left to lose.  I appreciate moreso what I've got at home now than I have in a long time, so I guess that there's the positive out of all of this, and I know that it will always be there for me to go back to as long as I let it be.

Step on into autumn eh, its actually getting hotter up here! :)

I've started to realise that despite my very best efforts to make plans, to set goals and achieve absolutely everything before I'm 25 and slowly descending into death - I am going to fail and I have absolutely no idea what's coming next.  I feel like a little kid in a candy store all the time.  Except, in comparing myself to a child we assume that I don't have access to a credit card and thus I am restricted on what I'm able to consume.  I want and want and want, but there's always that restraint and the waiting between periods of highs is sometimes near-excruciating.  It's not just the material things that I'm waiting for, but the trips or the new job opportunities or the chance to mix up my uni-life a little bit. I've become obsessed with trying to scheme my way around everything because the thought of settling into too much of a rutt and waiting for these 3 years to pass makes me want to die. 

the last few weeks have reminded me that no matter how much you try, there are absolutely always going to be some things about yourself that you just cannot change.

i have been moody, irrational, depressed and constantly on edge.  My anger and frustration at myself and life has gotten the better of me and at times has had me feeling like a teenager again, stuck in a place where monotonous life seems everlasting.

I can push the limits when im like this..I can complete a complete ass, a person that you wouldn't recognise compared to my normal self. I know it affects those around me because they don't know what to do, how to react or not to get hurt by it, but I can't control it and it scares me. I just see red.

I think it has a lot to do with being scared..scared of losing good things so I push them away in preparation for them potentially leaving me.  I think it also has a lot to do with not having a plan. I remember feeling so like this at the end of school and at various times throughout it.  I think it's frustration and fear and it just makes me angry at everything and everyone, trying to shift the blame for how I feel off of myself, and to prepare myself for anything that could hurt.

I know what I'm like and I happily acknowledge all of my faults. I'm possesive, overpowering, blunt, harsh, obsessive, easily frsutrated, moody and easily bored - just to name a few things.. but knowing, acknowledging, assessing and talking about all of these things doesn't change them. I can try to suppress the bad areas most of the time, but I don't think these things will ever change.  It's my personality and I shift between two major extremes.  I hope it doesn't ever ruin my life.

its just been one of those weeks..its the week where all the bills flood the post-box..where the classes are filled with snotty-nosed kids that drone on forever.. where I've barely had time to scratch myself let alone practice a language or the didge, or just sit down and read a book.  The list of responsibilities and tasks seems to be getting longer and longer to just keep my head up in life.  I don't even necessarily feel like I'm getting anywhere, but I'm not going under and I'm doing it unaided so when I remind myself of that I feel a  bit better about things.

sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I'd just gone to uni a little closer to home.. if I'd just stayed under my parents wings a little longer and not fled to the other side of the country and occasionally to the other side of the world. I dream about all the money I could be saving, and all the dishes and meals I wouldn't have to tend to. I dream about having my room and tv back, and being able to see my mates whenever I pleased.. and honestly it does get me down sometimes. I think these next few years are designed to be challenging and I need to just focus on the prize at the end.. proper freedom with a degree and hopefully, a good job. I can dwell over the life i left behind all I want to, but I know at the end of the day that I'd have always made this decision..I just wasn't happy, I felt suppressed and I just wanted to do my own thing and get a fresh start.. and now I have to deal with it.

I can't believe 2009 is almost complete.. I can't believe that I'm heading onto being 21..I can't believe how much things have changed. When I think about all of these things it does my head in..for now I'll blame the estrogen, but maybe it is just the way things go.